Hot Jokes

Fun story short, moms should not text...

Girl texting to her boyfriend: I had succcch a baaad day! I'd feel better if i saw your 8===D...
Guy's Mom: this is his Mom.He's busy,but that's so sweet! You had a bad and you want to see his smile! :)
Girl: yeah,I missed him so much today!Can you show him the text?
Mom: Sure! I showed him the text and he says he can't wait to see your (.)(.)! I think he means eyes! :) You guys are so adorable! :)

Fun story short, what is better now?

Daughter writing a message to her Dad: Dad,what's better,to Fail or to Pass?
Dad texting back: To pass of course.
Daughter: Oh good!You'll be proud of me! I passed my Pregnancy test!
Dad: GET YOUR A.S.S. HOME RIGHT NOW! :)

Fun story short, marry me

How a man proposes...
We pick carefully the moment...we choose the brightest ring,invite her to the fanciest restaurant...this day we behave like never before,wearing our best suit and smelling nice...we stand on one knee then,and ask her,"Marry me!"
How a woman proposes...
"I'm pregnant!"

Fun story short, who owes who?

Akpors said to his friend, "Can you lend me N10?"
"But I only have N8," his friend replied.
"Thats OK, you can always owe me the other N2!"

Fun story short, joke, jokes

WAEC examination.
Akpos was asked to complete the following:

1) He who fights and runs away?
Akpos: e don surrender be dat na, na fear catch am.

2) A rolling stone?
Akpos: e no fit just dey roll, na person push am.

3) He who lives in a glass house?
Akpos: Na rich politician e go be.

4) A stitch in time?
Akpos: e dey prevent further tear tear na.

5) Birds of the same feather?
Akpos: Na the same mama born them na.

6) One good turn?
Akpos: Na correct power steering fit do am o.

7) A bird in hand?
Akpos: Wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque. Dem plenty for chicken republic.

8) Half bread is better than?
Akpos: Puff puff, buns or garri without sugar.

9) A journey of a thousand miles?
Akpos: Na the person wahala be dat na! Why e no enter car or aeroplane jeje?

10) He who laughs last?
Akpos: The person get brain problem be that o.
Make dem examine am becos na the beggining of madness be dat.

11) A patient dog?
Akpos: Na hunger go kill am one time.

12) All work and no play?
Akpos: Na Only bank job fit be like dat o.

13) Once beaten?
Akpos: Na revenge go follow b dat.

14) A fool at forty?
Akpos: U never see Naija own, our own starts @ 50.

15) A friend in need?
Akpos: Na parasite b dat.

(16) Slow and steady...
Akpos: Walahi na last u go carry.

Fun story Perfect man

Eight qualities of the perfect man for a woman on Valentine's day...
-Brave
-Intelligent
-Gentle
-Polite
-Energetic
-Nutty
-Industrious
-Sensitive

and if all of it fails...
well...
read the CAPITAL LETTERS only then!

Fun story Nice move!

Guy: Do you want a hug?
Girl: No!
Guy: Do you even know what I just said?
Girl: Yes!
Guy: What did I say then?
Girl: Do you want a hug?
Guy: Well,if you insist!

Fun story

- Akpors, would you like to go to heaven?
- Yes Miss, but I really need to be going home after the class!

Fun story Reasons to live

- Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends,says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not!
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

Fun story short

How I feel when I decide not to go to work: "Damn,I should have gone to work!"

How I feel when I go to work: "Dammit,I should have stayed home!"

Fun story Happens...

(Mom yells your name)
You:Yes!?....
(Silence)
You:YEAAAH!!!???
(Silence)
You:UGH!
(Then you get up and go see what she wants)

Fun story Abiola is teaching baby Akpors to talk...

Abiola:Akpors,say uncle Abiola!
Akpors:Mommy!
Abiola:No,uncle Abiola!
Akpors:Mommy!
Abiola:No!Say uncle Abiola!
Akpors:Mommy!
Abiola:Shit!
Abeke:I'm home!
Akpors:Shit!
Abeke:Akpors stop that!Now,who taught you that,ah?
Akpors:Uncle Abiola!
Abiola:Oh,c'mon!

Fun story Job interview with Akpors...

Interviewer: Tell me the opposite of Good
Akpors: Bad
Interviewer: Come
Akpors: Go
Interviewer: Ugly
Akpors: Fine
Interviewer: You are wrong!
Akpors: you are right!
Interviewer: Shut up!
Akpors: Keep talking!
Interviewer: Ok,now stop all that.
Akpors: Ok,now carry on all that.
Interviewer: Get out!
Akpors: Come in!
Interviewer: Oh,my God!
Akpors: Oh,my Devil!
Interviewer: You are Rejected!
Akpors: I’m selected!

Fun story Talking to your grandma...

-Grandma,I broke my leg!
-It's okey!
-Grandma,I'm going blind!
-Not a problem!
-Grandma,I have AIDS!
-Don't worry!
-I have cancer!
-meh...
-Grandma,I didn't eat today!
-OMG!YOU DIDN"T EAT TODAY?OMG!!!

Fun story Akpors is back...

Little Akpors had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher called his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Akpors with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

Fun story Woman's logic

1. One of the most important things for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just “an old rag”.
6. Although their clothes are always “just an old rag”, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don’t believe you.

Fun story I did it!

A man calls a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in the room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him, "No, the room is empty."
“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”

Fun story Life before computers...

-Memory was something that you were loosing with age
-An application was meant for employment
-A program was a TV-show
-A keyboard was a piano
-A web was a spider's home
-A virus was the flu
-A CD was a bank account
-A hard drive was a long trip on the road
-A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
-If you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy...you just hoped nobody will find out.

Fun story We're not getting younger...

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God,what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ass!

Fun story What does PMS really mean...

-Pass My Shotgun
-Psychotic Mood Shift
-Perpetual Munching Spree
-People Make me Sick
-Provide Me with Sweets
-Pardon My Sobbing
-Pimples May Surface
-Pass My Sweatpants
-Pissy Mood Syndrome
-Plainly...Men suck
-Pack My Stuff
and last but not least...
-Potential Murder Suspect

Fun story Life story

Preschool - They make you sit behind a desk and tell you not to break anything...
School - They tell you that it's a lot harder in a high school...
High school - They tell you that it's a lot harder in a college/university...
College/university - They tell you that it's much more harder in a real world...
Real world job - You sit behind a desk and try not to break anything...

Fun story

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.
''Well, thank you,'' the pastor replied, ''But why?''
''Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!''

Fun story Few crazy pick up lines for guys...

1.Did you fart?Cause you blew me away!
2.My love for you is like diarrhea...I just can't hold it in.
3.Baby,you're finer than a new set of snow tires.
4.Baby,you're prettier than a beer truck pulling up in the driveway.
5.Are your parents retarded?Cause you sure are special.
6.You're not the best looking girl here,but beauty's only a light switch away.
7.Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
8.Hey baby,nice tooth!

Fun story

-Do you have anything to drink?
-I have water.
-Do you have anything stronger?
-Ice.

Fun story When guys drink too much...

They lose arguements with inanimate objects.
They have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
The doctors find traces of blood in their alcohol stream.
They sincerely believe that alcohol is an elusive fifth food group.
Their bed strangely feels like the bathtub.
The parking lot seems to have moved while they were in a bar.
Every woman they see has an exact twin.
They think it's the best time to text their ex and tell her how they "really" feel.
The glasses keep missing their mouths.
Mosquitos catch a buzz after biting them.
Remembering to close their zipper is a 50/50 proposition.
They suddenly decide that they want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe they could do it.
They can be heard saying,"I love you,man!"
Their sentences get longer and louder.
The back of their heads keeps getting hit by the back of a toilet seat.

Source = jokes.naij.com 

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Tensions as Soldiers Invade Police Station in Ibadan 11 April, 2013

People scampered for safety at Mokola area of Ibadan on Thursday as police officers shot sporadically after some soldiers stormed their station in the afternoon

The soldiers, who came on motorcycles, reportedly beat and manhandled the police officers they met at the station in order to avenge an alleged brutality inflicted on one of their colleagues on Wednesday by policemen.

The affected soldier was said to be a victim of a ‘stop and search’ operation usually embarked upon by officers of the police station every night in front of their Mokola office.

The soldier was reportedly shot on the ankle for refusing to heed the order of a police officer who stopped his vehicle.

The development infuriated his colleagues, who stormed the station and manhandled policemen on duty, beating them with belts for few minutes before they left for their barracks.

Officers at the station called for re-enforcement, which did not arrive until the soldiers left.

As at late afternoon, the mobilised policemen had taken over some strategic areas close to the station, shooting sporadically and causing traffic gridlock.

Police sources said a soldier was later arrested and was taken to the police headquarters in handcuffs.

The Oyo State Police Public Relations Officer, Olabisi Ilobanafor, confirmed the incident.

She said the soldier that was arrested has been handed over to Army authorities

Source = news.naij.com

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RIDICULOUS CHURCH NAMES IN NIGERIA

Here we go:
-Jesus Of God Mission ( Imo State )
-God's Mennonite Church
-Guided Missiles Church
-Jesus in the new global Ministry
-Healing Has Begun Ministry
-God's Own Ministry
-The True Assemblies of God Church
-Jehovah Sharp Sharp (Festac, Lagos )
-Hurricane Miracle Ministry
-Healing Tsunami Ministry
-Satan in Trouble Ministry
-Fire for Fire Ministry
-FIST OF FURY (NTA

Pregnancy tests should read "You are Screwed!" or "Keep Screwing!"

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Rapper 2shotz Set To Wed, Holds Introduction Ceremony

Music star William Orioha, popularly known as 2shotz is one step closer to being a married man.
His introduction ceremony with his girlfriend Precious Jones held yesterday, Tuesday April 9th at the bride's village in Imo State. The last photo below is from their introduction ceremony. Friday is their court wedding in Lagos.




Source = news.naij.com

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Genevieve Nnaji Covers Genevieve Magazine’s 10th Anniversary Edition (PHOTOS)

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It doesn’t get more cliche than this; Nigerian star actress Genevieve Nnaji has covered popular women’s lifestyle and fashion publication Genevieve Magazine.
Something looks different though, Genny doesn’t wear her ubiquitous ‘calm and relaxed’ look, opting for the ‘doll house’ impression (think Nicki Minaj right now).
Nnaji, often referred to as the ‘Julia Roberts of Africa’ is dressed in a Lanre Da Silva dress, the photoshoot is credited to Moussa Moussa with her makeup done by Banke Meshida Lawal.




                Source = news.naij.com

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PHOTOS: Pale Kim Kardashian Looks Tired and Curvier Than Ever

 

Kim Kardashian battles her pregnancy cravings by munching on some healthy porridge.

And she showed off her ever-growing baby bump - as well as her well-rounded bum - in a pair of casual yoga pants and a grey sweater.

The curvaceous 32-year-old headed to the gym early on Tuesday morning downing some Quaker Oatmeal Express as she went.

Kim looked pale and tired, going make-up free as she clambered in to her waiting vehicle ready for the exercise session.

However her sleepy exterior didn't mean she wasn't ready for action, she wrote on Twitter: "Rise and grind! Gym time."

Later in the day Kim transformed her scruffy, washed-out look and re-emerged looking tanned and fabulous in flattering black leggings and T-shirt combined with orange strappy heels and a light chiffon shirt.

Meanwhile, it's been revealed that Kim's mum Kris Jenner will be called as a witness in her divorce trial.

Kim's legal team listed the Kardashian family matriarch on a document which was filed on Monday in Los Angeles ahead of the May 6 trial date for the next hearing in her ongoing battle with estranged husband Kris Humphries.

According to records obtained by E! News even Kris himself will be called to testify about their relationship and their prenuptial agreement.

Kim filed for divorce from professional NBA basketball star Kris in October 2011 after just 72 days of marriage.

Kris, 28, then filed for an annulment - accusing her of duping him in to a fraudulent marriage.

In a new trailer for Keeping Up With The Kardashians Kim is seen breaking down in tears over her fears her baby with current boyfriend Kanye West will be born while she is still married to Kris.

The pair is expected to appear in court this Friday to try and arrange a settlement prior to the trial in May.

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Zambian Gay Rights Activist Arrested

A human rights activist has been arrested in Zambia minutes after he appeared on live television calling for homosexuality to be decriminalised.

Gay Pride festival in Soweto, South Africa

Zambia is among the 37 African nations to outlaw homosexuality. Paul Kasonkomona was being driven from the Muvi TV studio in the capital, Lusaka, when his car was stopped by police. He was detained overnight at a local station.
On Monday he was charged with "inciting the public to take part in indecent activities", police said, and was due to appear in court imminently.
Officers reportedly tried to stop Kasonkomona's interview as it was in progress but managers at the TV station refused to take him off air.
Homosexuality is outlawed in 37 African countries and Zambia is among the more hostile political climates.
Deeply conservative and religious, 98% of the population disapprove of homosexual behaviour, according to a 2010 survey. The country inherited British colonial-era laws, and advocacy groups are banned.
In South Africa, where gay marriage is legal, a campaign group demanded Kasonkomona's release in an online petition addressed to the Zambian president, Michael Sata.
"We further urge your government to immediately start a process to decriminalise consensual sex between adults in private irrespective of sexual orientation and gender identity," Ndifuna Ukwazi said.
"This means repealing the laws introduced by the British colonial administration and codified in the Zambian penal code."
Zambian president Michael Sata, recipient of an online petition calling for Kasonkomona’s release
All consensual adult same-sex acts are criminalised in Zambia, Ndifuna Ukwazi noted, adding that offences such as sodomy, or sex between women, carry a minimum sentence of 15 years and a maximum of life.
"Indecent same-sex practices" – probably a reference to holding hands, kissing and masturbation between adults or alone – carries a minimum sentence of seven years and a maximum of 14 years, the group said.
Over Easter four gay couples attempted to register marriages with authorities but were rejected. A traditional leader, Chief Madzimawe, was quoted in the Zambia Daily Mail as saying: "It is not a culture of Zambians, Africans and Ngonis to practise homosexuality and gay people should be caged."
The government later said the couples involved should be dealt with by police.
In 2009 a gay couple in Malawi who held a public engagement ceremony were jailed for 14 years, but subsequently received a presidential pardon. Uganda's parliament is considering laws that would impose harsher penalties for homosexual activity.
Last month the EU advertised financial support to organisations that wanted to promote gays rights in Zambia. In 2011, Britain and the US warned they would use foreign aid to push for homosexuality to be decriminalised in Africa.

Source - news.naij.com 

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Boko Haram: Okupe Denies Insulting Muslims

Okupe in statement said he never made the statement being attributed to him either during the interview or in any other place.

 

“My attention has been drawn to a statement purportedly made by me on an interview programme aired on a Lagos Television station (TV CONTINENTAL) on Sunday 7th April, 2013 to the effect that the ‘Boko Haram sect is working according to the tenets of Islam’…one thing is certain, Boko Haram will never be able to Islamize Nigeria and cannot convert President Jonathan from Christianity to Islam,” he said.

 

“Let me state categorically that I, Doyin Okupe never made such a statement either on the Television Continental interview referred to by these desperate people or on any other occasion.

us on twitter and be

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Igbos Should Bannish Okwu For Calling Ojukwu ‘Extrimist’ – Umeh

 












For describing the late Ikemba Nnewi, Dim Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu as an extremist, the National Chairman of the Peter Obi faction of All Progressives Grand Alliance, APGA, Chief Maxi Okwu, Wednesday, came under criticism with a call on him to immediately tender an apology to Igbos for trying to rub mud on the image and character of the former Biafran leader.
The party said should Okwu fail to tender apology to Ndigbo for daring to call Ojukwu an “Extrimist” he should be ostracized for showing disrespect to the late leader of the party.
Okwu had in his post-election speech at the convention of APGA in Awka, Anambra State last Monday, described Ojukwu as an extremist saying his leadership of the party would adopt non-extremists philosophy of the late Dr. Nnamdi Azikiwe. He said that “political reality in Nigeria does not favour extremism.”
According to him, the reality of the time must be faced, even though he would not like to out-rightly dump the late Chukwuemeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu’s seeming extremist stance in matters concerning Ndigbo. “Zik was known for not blowing too hot on political issues, he was not an extremist, and that philosophy will guide APGA henceforth,” said Okwu.
But reacting to the statement, Wednesday, Chief Victor Umeh who was restored to office as National Chairman of the party by the Court of Appeal Enugu on Monday, said that Okwu should apologize to Ndigbo for casting an undeserved aspersion on their revered leader failing which he should be ostracized.
Umeh, who addressed a press conference in Enugu, stated that it was the height of insult and irresponsibility for Okwu to dismiss Ojukwu and his struggle for emancipation of Ndigbo as an extremist, noting that but for Ojukwu’s struggle Okwu and millions of Igbo wouldn’t have been alive today.
He said that it was even a greater insult for Okwu to stand on the platform of APGA, which Ojukwu fought and laboured to wean, and denigrate him while Anambra State Governor, Mr. Obi, who he said was the greatest beneficiary of Ojukwu’s struggle, sat down and watched.
He recalled that Okwu was expelled from APGA alongside Chief Chekwas Okorie, the former Chairman of the party, on alleged perfidy and attempt to sell Obi’s mandate and that Ojukwu as a disciplinarian supported their expulsion.
“For Maxi to come out now to describe our great respected leader both in Nigeria and internationally as an extremist goes to show you the level of destruction that he is planning for APGA.
“From what he said, he has defined a new vision for APPGA, which is a vision of moderation. Ojukwu was never an extremist, Ojukwu was a man who stood very strongly for justice, a man who stood very strongly against injustice, a man who stood against oppression of people, a man who stood for equity and fairness, a man who stood for rule of law, a man who stood for democracy.
“It is an abomination for any person who claims to be standing on the platform of APGA to describe Ojukwu’s virtues as extremist. This is blasphemy of the highest proportion and those of us who worked with Ojukwu as our leader in APGA, those he left APGA in their hands will not stand by and watch and see a man who does not have any political character or vision begin to describe Ojukwu in such denigrating words; I call on not just APGA members but Ndigbo in general to ostracize Maxi Okwu until he retracts that statement and renders unreserved apology to Ndigbo.” he said.
On Okwu’s remarks that the appeal court ruling that granted a stay of execution of Justice Innocent Umezurike’s high court judgment and restored Umeh as National Chairman of the party was an exercise in futility, Umeh said that it was further demonstration of the fact that Okwu was not familiar with the law even though a lawyer.
He said that the case had declarative and injunctive elements, adding that even though the court was right to say that it has no business to stay the declarative orders made by the Enugu high court, it had powers to stay the injunctive orders which removed him from office, which was what the appellate court did.
Umeh stressed that the appeal court also considered the fact that his appeal was based on jurisdiction of the trial court to handle the case in the first instance, which according to common law practice ought to have made Justice Umezurike to disqualify himself.
On the claim by Umeh and Governor Obi that their national convention was valid, Umeh said that what they did was a nullity and that many documents were forged to deceive INEC into coming to observe the convention, even though, INEC’s observation of any convention does not confer validity on the process as even INEC itself can still reject it after studying the reports as it did in the case of PDP.
He said that in due course Okwu and his co-travelers would be committed to prison for alleged forgery.

Source = news.naij.com

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Minimum Wage Protest Turns Bloody In Bauchi

 

A protest match by aggrieved primary school teachers drawn from the 23 local government areas of Benue state, Tuesday, went awry at the main entrance of the State Government House where many including women were allegedly beaten by security personnel who also fired teargas canisters at the protesters.
The action of the security operatives created a stampede which left many of the aggrieved teachers sustaining varying degrees of injuries.
The teachers had converged in their numbers as early as 9am at the State Secretariat of the Nigeria Labour Congress, NLC, from where they mobilized for the peaceful match which was to terminate at the Government House where they expected Governor Gabriel Suswam to address them.
Some of them carried placards which had inscriptions like: “Suswam don’t kill primary school education in Benue, No minimum wage, no work, no teacher no education and we are tired of this government’s fake promises”
However, tempers rose among the protesters at the entrance of the government house, when the State Chairman of the Nigeria Labour Congress, Comrade Simon Anchaver, addressed them and pleaded that he and other representatives be delegated to meet and discuss their grievances with the governor who was said to be already waiting.
At this point, the angry teachers started raining abuses on the NLC chairman, while some were charging at him. This we gathered prompted security personnel to intervene by firing teargas canisters to disperse them.
The resultant stampede left some of the teachers injured, while those who passed out after inhaling the smoke were revived by their colleagues

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