Friday 12 April 2013

Hot Jokes

Girl texting to her boyfriend: I had succcch a baaad day! I'd feel better if i saw your 8===D...
Guy's Mom: this is his Mom.He's busy,but that's so sweet! You had a bad and you want to see his smile! :)
Girl: yeah,I missed him so much today!Can you show him the text?
Mom: Sure! I showed him the text and he says he can't wait to see your (.)(.)! I think he means eyes! :) You guys are so adorable! :)
Daughter writing a message to her Dad: Dad,what's better,to Fail or to Pass?
Dad texting back: To pass of course.
Daughter: Oh good!You'll be proud of me! I passed my Pregnancy test!
Dad: GET YOUR A.S.S. HOME RIGHT NOW! :)
How a man proposes...
We pick carefully the moment...we choose the brightest ring,invite her to the fanciest restaurant...this day we behave like never before,wearing our best suit and smelling nice...we stand on one knee then,and ask her,"Marry me!"
How a woman proposes...
"I'm pregnant!"
Akpors said to his friend, "Can you lend me N10?"
"But I only have N8," his friend replied.
"Thats OK, you can always owe me the other N2!"
WAEC examination.
Akpos was asked to complete the following:

1) He who fights and runs away?
Akpos: e don surrender be dat na, na fear catch am.

2) A rolling stone?
Akpos: e no fit just dey roll, na person push am.

3) He who lives in a glass house?
Akpos: Na rich politician e go be.

4) A stitch in time?
Akpos: e dey prevent further tear tear na.

5) Birds of the same feather?
Akpos: Na the same mama born them na.

6) One good turn?
Akpos: Na correct power steering fit do am o.

7) A bird in hand?
Akpos: Wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque. Dem plenty for chicken republic.

8) Half bread is better than?
Akpos: Puff puff, buns or garri without sugar.

9) A journey of a thousand miles?
Akpos: Na the person wahala be dat na! Why e no enter car or aeroplane jeje?

10) He who laughs last?
Akpos: The person get brain problem be that o.
Make dem examine am becos na the beggining of madness be dat.

11) A patient dog?
Akpos: Na hunger go kill am one time.

12) All work and no play?
Akpos: Na Only bank job fit be like dat o.

13) Once beaten?
Akpos: Na revenge go follow b dat.

14) A fool at forty?
Akpos: U never see Naija own, our own starts @ 50.

15) A friend in need?
Akpos: Na parasite b dat.

(16) Slow and steady...
Akpos: Walahi na last u go carry.
Eight qualities of the perfect man for a woman on Valentine's day...
-Brave
-Intelligent
-Gentle
-Polite
-Energetic
-Nutty
-Industrious
-Sensitive

and if all of it fails...
well...
read the CAPITAL LETTERS only then!
Guy: Do you want a hug?
Girl: No!
Guy: Do you even know what I just said?
Girl: Yes!
Guy: What did I say then?
Girl: Do you want a hug?
Guy: Well,if you insist!
- Akpors, would you like to go to heaven?
- Yes Miss, but I really need to be going home after the class!
- Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends,says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not!
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?
How I feel when I decide not to go to work: "Damn,I should have gone to work!"

How I feel when I go to work: "Dammit,I should have stayed home!"
(Mom yells your name)
You:Yes!?....
(Silence)
You:YEAAAH!!!???
(Silence)
You:UGH!
(Then you get up and go see what she wants)
Abiola:Akpors,say uncle Abiola!
Akpors:Mommy!
Abiola:No,uncle Abiola!
Akpors:Mommy!
Abiola:No!Say uncle Abiola!
Akpors:Mommy!
Abiola:Shit!
Abeke:I'm home!
Akpors:Shit!
Abeke:Akpors stop that!Now,who taught you that,ah?
Akpors:Uncle Abiola!
Abiola:Oh,c'mon!
Interviewer: Tell me the opposite of Good
Akpors: Bad
Interviewer: Come
Akpors: Go
Interviewer: Ugly
Akpors: Fine
Interviewer: You are wrong!
Akpors: you are right!
Interviewer: Shut up!
Akpors: Keep talking!
Interviewer: Ok,now stop all that.
Akpors: Ok,now carry on all that.
Interviewer: Get out!
Akpors: Come in!
Interviewer: Oh,my God!
Akpors: Oh,my Devil!
Interviewer: You are Rejected!
Akpors: I’m selected!
-Grandma,I broke my leg!
-It's okey!
-Grandma,I'm going blind!
-Not a problem!
-Grandma,I have AIDS!
-Don't worry!
-I have cancer!
-meh...
-Grandma,I didn't eat today!
-OMG!YOU DIDN"T EAT TODAY?OMG!!!
Little Akpors had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher called his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Akpors with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
1. One of the most important things for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just “an old rag”.
6. Although their clothes are always “just an old rag”, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don’t believe you.
A man calls a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in the room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him, "No, the room is empty."
“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”
-Memory was something that you were loosing with age
-An application was meant for employment
-A program was a TV-show
-A keyboard was a piano
-A web was a spider's home
-A virus was the flu
-A CD was a bank account
-A hard drive was a long trip on the road
-A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
-If you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy...you just hoped nobody will find out.
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God,what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ass!
-Pass My Shotgun
-Psychotic Mood Shift
-Perpetual Munching Spree
-People Make me Sick
-Provide Me with Sweets
-Pardon My Sobbing
-Pimples May Surface
-Pass My Sweatpants
-Pissy Mood Syndrome
-Plainly...Men suck
-Pack My Stuff
and last but not least...
-Potential Murder Suspect
Preschool - They make you sit behind a desk and tell you not to break anything...
School - They tell you that it's a lot harder in a high school...
High school - They tell you that it's a lot harder in a college/university...
College/university - They tell you that it's much more harder in a real world...
Real world job - You sit behind a desk and try not to break anything...
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.
''Well, thank you,'' the pastor replied, ''But why?''
''Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!''
1.Did you fart?Cause you blew me away!
2.My love for you is like diarrhea...I just can't hold it in.
3.Baby,you're finer than a new set of snow tires.
4.Baby,you're prettier than a beer truck pulling up in the driveway.
5.Are your parents retarded?Cause you sure are special.
6.You're not the best looking girl here,but beauty's only a light switch away.
7.Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
8.Hey baby,nice tooth!
-Do you have anything to drink?
-I have water.
-Do you have anything stronger?
-Ice.
They lose arguements with inanimate objects.
They have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
The doctors find traces of blood in their alcohol stream.
They sincerely believe that alcohol is an elusive fifth food group.
Their bed strangely feels like the bathtub.
The parking lot seems to have moved while they were in a bar.
Every woman they see has an exact twin.
They think it's the best time to text their ex and tell her how they "really" feel.
The glasses keep missing their mouths.
Mosquitos catch a buzz after biting them.
Remembering to close their zipper is a 50/50 proposition.
They suddenly decide that they want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe they could do it.
They can be heard saying,"I love you,man!"
Their sentences get longer and louder.
The back of their heads keeps getting hit by the back of a toilet seat.

Source = jokes.naij.com 

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